random thoughts

"Who said that it's better to have loved and lost?
I wish that I had never loved at all"

-Boys Like Girls

Have you ever met someone and thought to yourself 'I really wish i were them.'? Well I have, and i could make a list of the people I have thought that about. Or have you ever met someone and wished you were friends with them? Again, I could make a list of the people I have thought that about. In the end, you never do become friends with those people, you remain wishing you were friends with them. And in the end, the people who you thought had these perfect, wonderful lives, well it turns out they're just living a lie.

Speaking of lying; if there's one skill that's useful in this world it's the ability to tell a lie, and tell it properly so that people will believe you. The best one of all is: I'm fine. Every thing is fine. (Ha, as if.)

Sometimes people who are dating just stay together because it's convenient at the time. It'd be too complicated to break up. Maybe they're curious about someone new, but it's like going into outer space, yeah you're curious, but you know it's never going to happen. (sorry that I stole your line, it's a good one, and you always said I was a copy cat, so there you go.)

Curtis is in Iowa: Indiana / Ohio Border

Curtis is in Iowa: Indiana / Ohio Border

back to school.

back to school, and things seem to be going well so far. i'm not gonna lie, organic chem is going to kick my butt, but ill survive. sophomore year is my favorite year of college so far, thanks to a certain someone. bio should be interesting. but most importantly, i have friends.

day of truth.

today marks three weeks since the volleyball incident. i decided that i'm going back to play this week, i'm just not going to be allowed to help set up the nets. our game plan: arrive ten minutes late as to avoid any hazards all together. hehe.

one frantic car ride, two volleyball net poles, three xrays, four staples, and five hours later.

so i went to play volleyball last night. i was trying to be helpful, and where does that get me? a trip to the emergency room. woohoo.... this will be short since i'm not exactly in the mood for pouring my heart out.

instead, let's make a list of things i don't get to do now. a) no motorcycling for a few weeks. b) no driving for a few days. c) no swimming at kristie's grad party on friday. d) no being able to wash my own hair for a week. e) and since these staples are in the back of my head, i don't even get to see them. yes, i know, i should be more upset about that fact that i got hurt, but really, i just want to be able to see them, but no one has taken a good picture yet. oh well.

Cliche.

Four down, one to go.  That's the stereotypical response you would receive when you ask a college student how they're doing during finals week.  That's so cliche, boring.  No thanks.  If you were to ask me how I'm doing, currently, I would probably answer as follows:  All I have left is Biology, and then I can go home.  Although, I do have to pack between now and Monday afternoon, but don't worry, I'll get there.  This type of packing should be easier than most.  Basically, take everything off the shelves, out of the closet, and empty all the drawers.  Throw all my stuff into boxes, and tape them shut.  The hard part comes when I have to carry all these boxes down a flight of stairs to my ready and waiting car.

This past year has been interesting, no doubt.  Let's recap.  I've made some great new friends as well as keeping the old ones that matter.  Long distance friendships are difficult, especially when your main source of communication is Instant Messenger, but look, we've survived.  We're still friends, and will be for a long time.  This makes me smile.

As bored as I currently am, I thought this was going to be an uber long post, but it turns out it's going to be cut short.  I'm just that bored; not a good this.  Too much free time tends to make my mind wander, and I really dislike that.

two weeks notice.

two weeks notice: there are two weeks of school left this semester.  5 days of classes followed by 5 days of review and finals. and then I get to go home. as much as I've been looking forward to finally being able to be home, I know I'm going to miss it here too.  I've made some great friends over the past few months and I know I'm going to miss them all very much.  Lucky for me, most of them live within a 4-5 hour driving radius from my house.

this past weekend and the days surrounding it have been pretty good though.  let's recap: hot dog day weekend; friday and saturday.  excellent.  sunday was decent, nothing too exciting or depressing happened.  monday was fun, went by quickly, and ended with a phone call on speaker phone to one of my best friends.  haha, it was epic.

all in all, at this very moment, I am completely content with my life, which is not something I have said in a very long time.

mind reader

today has been uniquely weird. first, we got let out of chemistry a few minutes early, then I actually understood what was taught in biology.  then in piano, not only did we get let out a few minutes early, but I was actually able to play a new song and it sounded good. See, I am my own biggest critic, so for weeks now I've been saying how I can't play the piano, I'm so bad at it, yadda yadda, yadda... but I was pretty decent when it came to judging time.

so next was psych, which i got to early since I had more than 9 minutes to run across campus.  i can't say psych was anything special, since only one person technically noticed my new hair color, and it wasn't even the person i wanted to notice it.  we learned about sex. woo...it was...interesting.  of course i sat there blushing and doing that 'nervous cough' thing i have.  whatever. after that was lunch and then i ran back and forth between the student center and my dorm like fifty million times.

my equine science class was excellent.  we studied for about ten minutes, then took a rather lengthy quiz, and then were released into the brisk alfred air after less than an hour of class time. it was rather exciting.  back to campus, had to park in the boonies, but whatever, that happens on mondays.  i called my mom as i walked back to my room and she told me i sounded 'chipper'. haha, that's funny.

the reason for this good mood today, i'm not entirely sure, but it might stem from my new hair color, or the fact that i went outside my comfort zone this weekend and hung out with some new people. played me some rock band, and rocked it.  

but i have to say, the reason for this title is that as i was reading through my friend's blog, i read something that i was pretty interested with.  a piece of advice he had given me back in January.  It must've been getting closer to me having to go back to AU, and I was in a fit of depression.  He was giving me advice about trying to be happier, which i always thought i should say right back to him.  Then last week I had this crazy idea that if i copy/pasted the advice into an email and sent it back to him, it might do some good.

I never actually did send that email, but I had been thinking about it for a long time.  so the whole mind reader thing, well it's because the day he posted on his blog, i'm pretty sure was the same day i was going to send that email.  and i absolutely love when things like that happen.  i don't believe in magic, but i do believe that if you have a strong enough relationship with someone, you can start to think very much alike.  

back space.

sometimes i wish my mouth had a back space key.  true story.  apparently i've always had a problem with not filtering what i say.  yeah, who knew.  i guess when you're in 2nd grade and someone from the school suggests that your parents send you to see a therapist, there's a definite problem. 

 i remember those tuesdays when my mom used to pick me up from school early and i would go talk to this nice lady who would give me stickers when i said nice things about my brother.  one thing i remember is that she made me create a chart that i had to write on every day.  if it was a good day, i could draw a smiley face.  if it was a bad day, i could draw a sad face.  she also told me that if i ever got the urge to hit my brother, that i should sit on my hands.  what a good idea.

as i got older, i found i still had a problem with filtering.  i'm usually pretty good about filtering with my friends, but i rarely filter with my family.  my theory on this is that my family won't disown me if i say something uber rude or whatever.  but friends, they'll drop you in a second if you push them too far.  i'm starting to realize this, yet when i get a thought in my head, i can't let it go, i have to say it.  it's like trying to hold your breath for too long, eventually you just have to open your mouth and let it out.

i need to figure out how to stop being this way.  i need to figure out a way to stop hurting the people i care about.  but at the same time, does this mean i need to figure out a way to stop being me?  i wish i had the answers...

life is good.

today was a good day. the last 48 hours have been pretty good. I got go visit one of my very good friends at school, which also allowed me to see yet another college campus.  after visiting a few friends at school, I am very happy with my college choice.  my parents are glad to hear that, but more importantly, I'm glad that I made a good decision.  so maybe I complain sometimes at being at school, but that's usually only on the weekends.

today was made even better by my visit to HP, where I got to see some of my high school teachers and some of my friends that are seniors this year.  Time flies when you're having fun, which is pretty evident by my almost hour long conversation with one of my friends from high school.

then I went to the barn and rode my horse.  well technically he's not mine anymore, but he'll always really be mine, because he loves me, and was very happy to have me ride him again.  and my mom brought him a donut, so that made him happy too.

tonight i went out for dinner with another friend that I haven't seen in a while and got Rita's italian ice for dessert. sounds like a pretty good day huh? i think so.

all in all, right now, life is good.

i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

only one more week to go, woohoo.  if there's ever been a time when i need to go home, it's now.  i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, and i really just want to go home.  there's only about 10 hours left of this weekend before i get to spend my next two weekends at home, and i couldn't be more excited.

did you know the pharmacy in town is closed on weekends? yeah, me either.  it kinda sucks when you run out of tissues and your nose won't stop running.  so i've been downing cough drops like it's my job.  oh well...

Spring Break-itis

You know how some people get Senioritis, that disease that hits around mid-January and lasts until summer?  Well I'm convinced that there is a new disease to be research, and it's called Spring Break-itis.  Yup, that's right.  It can be brought about by gracious RAs that decide to tape the 'spring break sign out' sheet onto your door more than a week in advanced. Super.

Other cases can be brought about due to the fact that the weather has been gorgeous for two days in a row.  That's right, yesterday and today, the sun has decided to shine down on our small little town.

Symptoms include: procrastination, laziness, sleepiness, a desire to skip classes for no apparent reason, and uncontrollable laughter.  If you, or someone you know, is experiencing these symptoms, see a doctor immediately.

atheism.

I never thought religion would be a huge barrier between friends, but now I feel like it might be.  Ok, so it's not the biggest barrier, that would be me and my big mouth never knowing when to shut up.  But religion has become an issue.  What's the point in feeling special that my religion is different when it seems like it's causing more problems than it's worth.  So it's not the actual religion that's causing problems, it's the understanding and misunderstanding of various religions.  So now I'm questioning, what was the point of attending Hebrew School for so many years, if now I'm just going to wish that I was a different religion?

The thing about religion is that it's not something tangible like red hair, blue eyes, and glasses.  It's something that can be altered throughout your life.  I'm not saying I would change what I believe just to make someone else happy, but at the same time, what exactly do I believe?  I'm not entirely sure.  How am I supposed to believe that there's someone out there watching over me, who allows such horrible things to happen in my life?  [and I'm not just talking about right now]  You can't honestly want me to believe that there's a reason for everything, because that means that there's a reason my grandma had to die, or my grandpa that I never met.  Sorry, but I'm just not buying that "everything happens for a reason" philosophy.

Atheism sounds pretty good right about now.

Happy Mardi Gras.

Today.

I'm sorry.  This is for you.  You don't have to talk to me now, I'll understand.  When you're ready.

Today has been...interesting. So glad it's half over.

Saturdays...

If you were to ask me what my least favorite day of the week is, I would most likely tell you Saturday.  Maybe Sunday, but probably Saturday.  That sounds crazy, right?  Well you have met me, right?  For the most part, I answer this way because Saturday is usually a homework day.  Yesterday, I managed to leave my dorm once, to get breakfast, and that was it.  Sounds like a fun filled day, huh?  Not really.  I sit around all day contemplating doing my homework, thinking that if I stare at it long enough, it will miraculously just get done by itself.  Wishful thinking, I know.  My roommate said I should have a fun weekend, go hang out with friends, go see a movie, whatever.  Well to be honest, I don't have that many friends here in which to hang out with.  I don't feel like driving 20 minutes in a freezing cold car to a movie theatre, or walking 10 minutes in the freezing cold across campus to the performing arts building. 

 Ok, so call me lazy, it's true, I am.  I am also one of the best procrastinators I know.  What's my technique?  Sleeping.  When I get bored or frustrated or whatever, I'll take a nap.  At home it used to be watching tv, but here at school,  you can often find me taking a nap when I should be doing homework that's usually due the next day.

Someone should do an experiment.  Ask me a question during the week day and write down my answer.  Then ask me the same question during the weekend, and I can almost guarantee you that my weekend answer will be way more depressing and pessimistic.  Haha, someone should really conduct that experiment, but then again, they'd probably have me committed....

flip flops...?

So as I'm sitting here defrosting, I thought I might as well use my time wisely.  Why am I defrosting?  Well I had made plans to study with a fellow student for an upcoming Psychology test at the library.  We said we'd meet at 11 on Sunday morning, sounds perfect, right?  Wrong.  The library opens at 12 on Sundays, a little piece of information that had slipped my mind.  So as I stood there outside the library for about 20 minutes, debating with my mom via cell phone whether or not I should wait or leave, I got a tad bit chilly.  The view from my dorm room window had been lying.  It made me believe that the temperature today was as inviting at the 55* of yesterday.  It's actually not that warm today, so my feet got kinda raw standing outside in flip flops for that length of time.

By now I'm pretty much defrosted, and getting ready to trudge over to the library yet again.  Probably gonna wear shoes and socks this time...