back space.

sometimes i wish my mouth had a back space key.  true story.  apparently i've always had a problem with not filtering what i say.  yeah, who knew.  i guess when you're in 2nd grade and someone from the school suggests that your parents send you to see a therapist, there's a definite problem. 

 i remember those tuesdays when my mom used to pick me up from school early and i would go talk to this nice lady who would give me stickers when i said nice things about my brother.  one thing i remember is that she made me create a chart that i had to write on every day.  if it was a good day, i could draw a smiley face.  if it was a bad day, i could draw a sad face.  she also told me that if i ever got the urge to hit my brother, that i should sit on my hands.  what a good idea.

as i got older, i found i still had a problem with filtering.  i'm usually pretty good about filtering with my friends, but i rarely filter with my family.  my theory on this is that my family won't disown me if i say something uber rude or whatever.  but friends, they'll drop you in a second if you push them too far.  i'm starting to realize this, yet when i get a thought in my head, i can't let it go, i have to say it.  it's like trying to hold your breath for too long, eventually you just have to open your mouth and let it out.

i need to figure out how to stop being this way.  i need to figure out a way to stop hurting the people i care about.  but at the same time, does this mean i need to figure out a way to stop being me?  i wish i had the answers...